The Nano

Before moving to NYC, my older sister, Kristin, let me keep her black iPod Nano I had been borrowing for the past few years. I used it all the time. When I got here to NYC, I used it even more. I kept out the unwanted distractions of the bus or classroom. Now I have a new little toy (my phone) that has the same capabilities.

Today I passed it on as a gift. I gave it to Jules. He is THRILLED. He has had other MP3 players, but they all had severe limitations. This is what he wanted. (Side note: as much as I try to teach him otherwise, he is still very much a part of consumerist american economy and loves things that are popular.) However, it is the music that really moves him. I love music and it is an inseperable part of my life. His father IS a musician, a truly talented one at that. It is no shock that Jules is a happy world of his own with these headphones on and a wide selection of music to choose from.

Positive Energy

It has been difficult as of late to stay positive and optimistic. They are, in fact, two different things and both just as challenging to maintain in my current state.

1. I am not walking this spring. (*&*#%&$*#)$!!!! This is the least of my worries, but utterly tied to the politics of Teachers College Art and Art Education.

2. My time at the gallery is over and I will not have the job as of June 30. Not so many explitives this time as I am finding a huge sense of relief knowing that working with certain people has a very close end in sight.

3. I have to find a new job.

4. I am not going to Italy with NYU this summer due to job situation. I have deferred to start next summer.

5. There is a massive budget issue all over the world. This does not exclude TC and my department in particular. I am being pinned for the majority of the problems when it is clearly not my fault. I am seeking counsel through various university sorts. Do I REALLY have time and energy for this battle?!?!?! (that is rhetorical)

6. I am not successfully recovered from my sinus surgery. Anyone that has been told they need it and it is from a fantastic surgeon like mine...DO IT!!!! However, it took a lot more time to recover that I had planned for myself.

7. I have had severe chronic pain in my lower left side for over 6 years now. It is at times debilitating. I went to see one surgeon and she told me I had to get a rib removed. At that I walked out and tried to ignore the pain. Recently I was telling another doctor off-handedly about this incident and it turns out there could be a potential suspect. My spleen. I am getting an MRI tomorrow night.

8. My body is feeling older than 36. (I think)

9. In order to avoid interaction with the director of my department I had to can my thesis, which I had been working on for 3 years, in order to cut her out of the picture. See, what I was working on is her specialty. There was no way I could not have her as a reader. (This is where the gallery and budget thing come in.) I do not feel she is capable of being an objective reader.

10. My insurance company folded in the middle of my learning disability testing. I know from preliminary tests that I do in fact and have always had ADHD. The company that replaced them does not have the doctor I was using in their network. SOOOOO...I am starting all over with the arduous task of testing. The problem is, I need it now.

11. The effects of the combined stress along with life in general is VERY overwhelming. I often feel like I am drowning in thin air. If I were not taking antidepressants I would be in big trouble.

Some good things:

1. Jules. N'uff said. He kicks "patutie". He is a fountain of joy and wonder I have the fortune to be around every day.

2. Laundry service. For just pennies more I can have my laundry picked up at my door and delivered beautifully clean and folded two days later.

3. My advisers. All three. Baldacchino, Pellegrin and Stevens from UW. They are all still ardent supporters.

4. Family and friends. Yeah. They kick patutie as well.

So for now, I am focusing on those things and trying to maintain some semblance of a working life while I sort the other things out.

ADHD

I am so frustrated with the fact that from the outside no one can see what it is that is going on inside my head. People think that I may be arrogant, thoughtless and inconsiderate, but in reality, I am just not able to focus and forget things because of this neurological issue.

Do You Realize?

I have gone through many different stages of feeling the joy and sorrow this song can bring...

Thank you, S for introducing this song to me so many years ago.

"Do You Realize" on Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
The Flaming Lips



Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh
Do You Realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize

No Italy

I am still going next year, but I am deferring it for a year. There is a lot going on and I would rather enjoy my time there, plus, I may get a scholarship next year.

Tomorrow I meet with the director of the department. She has pinned me with the departmental budgeting issues, which is ridiculous. I never was allowed to even see a budget. We shall see if I have a job next year...

As I am waiting for the final results on my disability testing, I have found out that I have something called Dysgraphia. It does not come by itself, but it goes a long way explaining my pain and frustration with reading and writing.

Julian was sick all last week. Literally. He came home sick from school last Friday and was finally better yesterday, Saturday a week later.

Lots going on.

Back to papers and such.

huh...

Torsten snapped this lovely image as soon as I woke up the first time. The gauze sponge under my nose was smaller when I left to go home. Torsten said, amusingly, that I looked like a Miss Piggy-Albino-Hilter-in-Drag...

I must have made quite an impression. At least I was asleep most of the time!

Reality

Fiddler's Field, Kristina Layton
www.kristinalayton.com

March has proven to be quite a month regarding my current understanding of human interaction. What am I talking about? Friends.

In the past month I have had two occasions where people close to me have a chance to show affection...on any level. The first one was my birthday. I love being 36. Just look at that number! It is beautiful! Plus, my birthday was a square root this year which makes it all the better. However, many friends forgot. The older of my two younger brothers didn't even know it was my birthday. Then, two out of many showed up to my birthday party. They weren't even my close friends.

In thinking about these events, I realized that there are a ton of wonderful people in the world, but very few that will ever be close to me.

The second event was my sinus surgery I had last Friday. I made it no secret that I was having this surgery and that I would need support. It has been wonderful to hear from close relatives. Mom, Dad, Kathy, Kristin, Gayle and Harry, Danielle and Michael (they have no choice as they have Julian), Jean and others have all called and emailed. A handful of Facebook emails was nice. Having Torsten here to take care of me was great. What gets me are those same people that I thought were close friends that had forgotten my birthday that have, to this point, yet to call or email.

I need friends that are more reliable as friends. I am not the most reliable person on earth, not even close, but when it comes to those I love, I would do anything.

It is difficult to not feel a bit bitter or spited. So, instead I welcome this new reality. I will be closer to those that respond, but I no longer have the time, energy or inclination to continually extend myself to those that do not respond. If some day they come, I will care for them, but for now I let them go.